A New Chapter and All That....

So another ending, another beginning...and I seem to have been riding that cycle quite a bit the last year or two but isn't it exciting when you can change your scene and start fresh?

This may very well be my last post in Bali, in fact, I'm sure it is as I've still got the last bits of packing to do and more goodbyes to say. As happy as I am to leave, I will always look back on this island as the monumental point in my life where things got shaken up and rearranged, and so rapidly too.

When I think back, it was only eight months ago (feels like eight years) when I set foot on Indonesian turf and faced some things the Universe clearly wanted me to face: fears, reoccuring patterns, confidence issues, relationship values....you name it. The challenge was on from the minute I left the comforts of the city I know so well and love, the place I was born and the place I lived in as if it were a gate that kept me safe from the big wide world. So Arizona showed me the deeper levels of Spirit and Love, San Francisco gave me the freedom to be who and whatever I wanted, Singapore taught me greater independence and trust in myself, Nepal showed me how to toughen up and be practical and Bali...well Bali put all those things together and offered me a package deal: conquer this and you'll go home a very happy and lucky person.

Here is where I met Loic and that was the beginning of a very beautiful story which continues to amaze me each day and now he's joining me in the Big Smoke; he'll see the other parts of me, the things that shaped me into the individual that he met sitting at the next table having a coffee. My place, my family, my friends. And yet we'll be sad to say goodbye to the friends we've met here, but just like the nearest and dearest we left in England and France, we know they're here and we'll always know what we shared with them. Facebook, email and Skype help to keep the connections going of course.

So new jobs, new home, new start and I've found a lovely path in falling in love with a Frenchy, he loves to travel and I love France. And I won't even have to give up my love of travelling and holidays for too long as a trip to Lyon for a wedding is already on this year's calendar. One day I'll live there too and it's funny, I pictured myself there a long time ago...riding a bicycle down cobbled streets, writing in cafes and being inspired by all the art, history and buildings that France has kept so close to its heart...London was never supposed to be it forever. The other great thing is language, Lo gets to perfect his English and I finally have the chance to be fluent in French, something that should have been on my CV for years but with slight negligence on my behalf, I never quite got there...but I will I'm sure of it. 

And I'll keep writing so watch this space...fingers crossed, in a couple of weeks I'll be posting the good news of new jobs for us both and a new flat. I'm giddy at the thought of being able to finally unpack ALL my possessions, including the ones still sitting up in my uncle's attic and put them somewhere I'll call home and that's where they'll stay, until the next chapter of course.

Goodbye Bali.

And in the words of Vinnie Jones: "it's been emotional".

London Calling

And so the countdown is on...just over two weeks until I'm back on British soil and thankfully, the last couple of weeks have kept me busy enough for it to feel like it's flying by. My friend Hannah and two of her mates came out to Bali for a fortnight and it was really good to visit a few places I hadn't seen yet and to introduce them to the things I'm quite familiar with.One of them being Linga Longa Bar, our favourite hangout spot where Fran took to the stage on more than one occasion to entertain the crowd with her powerful, jazz style voice. We had fun in Ubud and dined around Sanur, not forgetting a few games of pool at the scuzzy but fun Angel bar; the only place in Bali where I get to hear my favourite tunes...Hendrix, Clapton, Zeppelin, Red Hot Chilli Peppers and even Queens of the Stone Age are always on the playlist. For those of you who aren't on Facebook, here's a few pics I nicked from the girls:

Woody, Fran, Hannah & me in temple attire

Lo and I chillin in the water

Me feeding fishies at Tirtagangga palace

Lo putting us to shame at Angel bar

Me and Hansy

Dinner in Ubud

So it's been all fun and games but the end is nigh and I've got to get my head down and finish up some work before we cross waters. I'll miss Bali for friends and certain places of course, but UK is a calling and with a few exciting things lined up for when Lo and I get there, I'm raring to go...here's what we've got booked so far:

* Spending Summer Solstice in Glastonbury - my favourite town in all of England! There'll be drumming, meditating, tree-hugging, love-spreading, rejoicing, garland-wearing and lots of other cool happy hippy stuff.

*Going on a 'Foraging for Herbs' walk - in July we're going on a jaunt around Regent's Park, led by a Herbalist and natural remedies expert who will show us how to, well, forage for herbs in London and will show us how to use these wondeful plants in cooking, cosmetics and healing...the nature geek in me squeals.

*Seeing Swan Lake at the Coliseum - tickets are booked for The English National Ballet production this August! It will be my first live ballet and I'm giddy at the thought...I know I'm gonna love it.

*Going to the Contemporary American Indian Art Exhibition at Highgate Gallery - I made friends with a Navajo artist called Troy Whitethorne when I was in Arizona and when he said he was having an exhibition in London, I promised him I'd go and see it. It's on from 8th-21st June so I'll be landing just in the nick of time. I'll be tired, I'll be jetlagged and crazy busy but a promise is a promise and I'm all about supporting what has become a very precious culture to me.

Aside from these exciting dates in the calendar, not only will I be loving the reunion of me and my city (and hugging and kissing the life out of my friends and family) but I also get to take Loic around as it's been roughly 10 years since he's been to London...the best way to get into the city again is to be a tour guide for someone else so there will be many an outing to museums, galleries, coffee shops, gigs, pubs, parks, theatres etc. There'll also be much gorging on cake, pastries, cheese, wine and all the food that Indonesia isn't really best at...ditching the motorbike for our good old reliable legs again is going to be much needed.

There are so many things that we've missed about Europe that I'm quite sure that we won't be bored for quite some time...but for now, let's enjoy what the rest of this island has to offer before we wave it goodbye.

Medicine

Aside from celebrating my birthday this week, I have also been exposed to some very beautiful music, exhanged truths with some amazing people and have been challenged by the Universe to hold my integrity, to stay strong and push through with my beliefs.

On Saturday night at Antida, Lo and I were blown away by an artist called Nahko Bear and his band Medicine for the People. I haven't been moved like that by a band in years. Their sound and more importantly, their message resonated with every fibre in my being; reverberating after a warm tap on my inner core. And on Wednesday we went to watch Nahko play a solo set after which we had the privilege of chatting with him. Part Native American, Puerto-Rican and Filipino, Nahko now lives in Hawaii and is one of the most interesting artists I have ever come across. His lyrics speak for what I sometimes struggle to say verbally or through my writing...but I don't think I could put it better than this:

I often need a dose of this medicine when someone has knocked me down or when I've been placed in a situation where I lose the belief in myself. Music, meditation or healing conversations brings me back home and connect me back to myself and then I feel charged with the courage and the light needed to go on. Not being able to easily access my closest kindreds, the ones who know exactly who I am, and without the ability to have a cuddle with the animal of my heart, Rocky or sit somewhere peaceful to just be, I've needed that reassurance more than ever in Bali. And without the music of Nahko and the incredible spiritual and intellectual exchange with someone who has become a very dear friend or without the love and support of Lo and the wonderful connection we share, I may have easily crumbled.

My voice is drowning a little where it needs to be heard the most; I need to figure out how to keep it afloat.

This morning I drew this card from my Native American Vision Quest Tarot set:

Self Awerness - intelligence - inspiration - self-respect - confidence - inner strength - clarity - creativity - courage

"This image depicts your strength to be who you truly are. Not who you are supposed to be, should have been or what others make you become. Your self-confidence has been awakened. With it awakens the courage to drop your masks once and for all. This is the only way to return to your own inner centre"

My self-confidence certainly gets tested and I can only shine the light of my true self to those who are open to seeing it. I do not know where this true me - this spiritual, tribal, diminish-all-fear and remove-all-negative-people-from-my-life ME will take me, but I have to see.

I have just entered my next seven-year cycle by turning 28, great change is on the horizon.

And all I can do for now is agree with this song and say to myself: "I believe in the good things coming".

Hide and Seek

We turned our backs and rode away in search of solace, to shake off the heaviness. Even though the rain followed, it was just us in some places, with heavy greens and a blanket sky. We were enveloped in quiet for a while and my smile came back. Wet feet, lank hair and a waterproof mac brought back the feeling of being small in such vastness, beneath such power the Earth can bear.
But we rode and we rode and found pockets of space shaped like us to hide in.

Between fields and tucked away in mountains, our voices rippled on the wet air, no one could hear us sing, no one could see us there - bubbled up in our need to be. Free.


I found myself again when my palms reached out for a tree, a need I sometimes feel. To copy its wholeness and stability - we exchanged a few thoughts before it sent me on my way, for there was more for us to seek.

And up high where you all seem impossible, we calmed the chill - the shakes, and replaced them with liquid stillness and imagined what we could be somewhere out there, up there, down there. But together.

And when we could ride no more, we crept in darkness, hushed and safely hidden, dimmed light called us in. A room made for gentle voices, no others could get in. A cocoon of white softness and heavy eyes but a sigh of peace each, sailed across promising pillows. A hot shower shifted time and space and the swelling of hearts under its deep healing, almost prompted a tear.

We'd found our spot, our nook to exist and dissappear in. And in breaking light after dreams of home, I'd realised that it's not somewhere out there, up there or down there but in us. Just us.

The Comfort Zone

Photo by Nina Leen, 1954

As I sit here watching it piddle down outside, I'm thinking about why I'm feeling so restless. Why am I not either relaxing properly or getting on with things like writing some poetry, working on unfinished pieces or continuing to read that book I started ages ago?

Those of you who work, long for a day like this; when it's raining outside, you don't really have to go anywhere and you can truly indulge in anything or nothing. For me right now, it's absolutely tedious; hence why inspiration has flown from me and I can't get into my projects. Until I start working, I'll be sat around twiddling my thumbs some more..."just relax and enjoy your time" you say? Not easy when you run out of things to do by 11am and it's too hot to want to do anthing else. You see, my usual creature comforts don't apply here in Bali.

Image from We Heart it

The things that make me feel fuzzy and content are:

*Wearing a baggy woollen jumper
*Laying on the sofa with the cat and rubbing his belly
*Baking a cake while listening to old music
*Eating said cake with a cup of tea (usually with someone to have a good natter with)
*Having a long hot shower, using all my best soaps and scrubs
*Watching movies that I've loved since I was a child like Elvis' G.I Blues, Please Sir!, Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, or Airplane! (usually with my favourite blanket wrapped around me)

Scene from G.I Blues

*Do I sound like an old lady?!*

*Rediscovering albums that I haven't listened to in ages, then dancing to them while tidying up
*Flipping through a copy of Spirit & Destiny Magazine and then researching online all the awesome workshops and books it recommends
*Watching a marathon of Location, Location, Location (again, a cup of tea must accompany this)
*Quoting Alan Partridge, IT Crowd and other favourite comedy shows through text and down the phone with mates
*Ordering Chinese for dinner then eating it while watching a DVD
*Getting into my pyjamas (providing I changed out of them in the first place), putting my slippers on and having a pre-bedtime chat with my sister over that last cup of tea.

Ahhh...

Not my own living room obviously, image from Country Living

Now, none of those things are possible apart from the tea (until I run out of the PG Tips I brought with me) but let's face it, it's not really something you can drink all day long when you're sat there lethargic and sweaty from the blazing heat. And night time is reserved for ensuring that you've covered all mosquito repellent methods so that you don't get mauled in your sleep and there is certainly no place for pyjamas and fuzzy socks; it's more like skimpy vest and underwear, barefoot and no covers. So I have to find some new comforts if I'm going to enjoy all this 'spare time'...suggestions are welcome.

So enjoy Spring guys, 'cos it's coming your way and it's my favourite season of the year. Because, aside from those days when I'm dossing about in my comfy clothes while it's cold and raining outside, I just adore those other days when I look out the window and notice that the blossom trees are coming into bloom and that soft cosy living room where I drink my tea and watch my old movies, is lit up with the fresh sunshine of Spring. The other thing that makes me warm and fuzzy is seeing that my cat has noticed it too and is rolling around on the carpet, bathing himself in the rays.

Nesting

It was Valentine's yesterday and had someone hadn't reminded me, I wouldn't have remembered and I think that's the way I like it. For me, there shouldn't be one designated day to make an effort to show someone you love them...it should be apparent in the relationship everyday. And there are so many little things that happen in my world to know that I am loved and not just by my partner but by my friends and family too.

The past couple of weeks Lo and I have been trying to build up our home. It's old and has some querks but we're slowly starting to work with them - there are times of course when I long for that Victorian with the wooden floors, original fireplaces and high ceilings - I think I always will until I have it (it will be mine, oh yes, it will be mine...) but I am lucky and count myself so every day. I have a space now to fill with small things to keep me feeling like I'm at home for the next year. It's been tough, I must say, things aren't easy to get in Bali, not in the slightest! Something pretty is always out of budget and if you really want something unique, you have to haggle your arse off for it and everything else, the simple things like a butter knife or a colander just don't seem to exist...they are seriously two things on my mission list to find.

And when you do find what you want and cannot carry it home, the delivery charge is the same price as the item. But through blood, sweat and tears, Lo and I have managed to find just a few simple pieces to get our place feeling like home and one thing in particular, that I loved the minute I saw it, is this painting that we found in Ubud (nic-nac heaven for artsy/hippy/New Age people)


And how I knew I was truly loved in that moment? Loic spotted it first, said nothing out loud but thought to himself 'that painting is so my Stephanie and she's going to love it when she sees it' - and I really did! He saw my eyes light up and then haggled the artist for it. And when we got it home and hung it up and put the other little bits and pieces together we'd bought in Ubud, we stood back and looked at the room, it's now looking a bit more us.

Loic knows how much I love property and interior design and trusts me completely to pick things out for the house, I put as much love into putting together a room as I do into my relationships - every little thoughtful detail matters. And although this is just a temporary home, it's a project I've been longing for, for absolute years. I've moved house way too many times and have painfully watched my stuff get packed into people's attics and garages far too often, all I ever wanted was to nest. I get giddy when a new series of Location, Location, Location comes on, Kirstie Allsop is my domestic idol and I think I squealed through most of her C4 series Kirstie's Homemade Home. I used to get kicks out of walking around Habitat, Next Home, Ikea and anywhere else that sells homewares and Ideal Homes magazine is my porn. I've mentally decorated so many times that my fantasy world isn't a Disney fairytale or a snapshot of a peaceful tropical beach, it's a room of bespoke furniture, colours, fabrics, art, wooden pieces, handmade rugs, stained glass, bookcases, antique lamps and handmade crafts. The only thing missing is some beautiful cake recipes for me to try out (another way I nest and present my love to others is to bake) but we don't have an oven - another item that is a rarity in Bali. But we have to make sacrifices, of course.

And so, aside from trying to create a cheap domestic Nirvana, I have been adoring my time with Lo. And when my heart aches a little from missing my family, my friends and my dearest, dearest Rocky boy, he soothes it with the palm of his hand and tells me that he knows how hard this all is for me. Another reason why I'm so lucky. And although I can't invite any of you around for a cup of tea and a chat, I know that this is a building block to our next home back in Europe where I sometimes long to be again to receive that love that you all send my way, in person and not just through email, Facebook or Skype. But I'm sending it to you and I hope you can feel that as you are always in my thoughts, everyday, and not just one. I don't need St. Valentine to remind me what love is.

New Digs and Crazy Dreams

image from We Heart it

I am now an expat. A weird thought indeed; and before I left the UK in September, I don't think that was a word I ever used before. But I'm in Bali now, after a stint around the world and a month at home, I've got me a new place and a box full of exciting opportunities.

London, I love you and I miss you for a few things: you've got my best friends and my family and you've got those favourite spots I sometimes went to whenever I wanted to leave the house. All I needed was the Oyster fare and I could immerse myself in history, art and esoterism - and if I had extra change for a coffee well then that would just make my day.

But I had to leave you, you see there was more for me out there - there is more for me. And to not miss you at all, I have to think of the things that annoy me the most about you: the biting cold, the shoulder-barges and tuts on a crowded and uncomfortable tube journey; the outrageous prices of decent food in the supermarket and the shoebox flats that you insist people should pay most a months' wages on. But one day I'll come back and it won't be too far off - even if it is just to go back in time and sit in The Bedford in Balham, my family kitchen in Polards Hill, the mini-haven in The Cloisters, The Penderals Oak in Holborn and The Starbucks in Victoria Station because it is these places where I find time again and spend love on my favourite people.

But things will be different for a year and I've been given time and love to spend with one very special person in this tropical territory and a house to get my itchy, decorator hands on. These delicious, brand new things in my life have seemed like a dream and I never want to wake up from it when I'm looking into green/amber eyes on the pillow next to mine. And although bedtime for me has been the stuff of lullabies, when I've slipped into sleep, I've had crazy and awful dreams.

Reality and dreams flipped? Or a need to clear some unwanted energy?

The first day in our new house, I wafted a Banishing incense stick around every room in the house and swept but I can't help but feel that it needs more to transmute the energy - oh to have a singing bowl and my Goddesses to help raise the vibration. But I'm going to have to come up with something because, either there are some deeper issues in my psyche that are showing themselves in my slumber or there are influences coming through the veil from times past in this place. I love my new home and I'm never uncomfortable but last night I woke up after what felt like hours of anxiety dreams. A narrated (and very vividly so) thriller story that at first felt like fiction but then had me throw my eyes open with an intense case of goosebumps and then a panicked dream about getting to my cat whom I'd left with a friend but could never seem to catch the bus I needed to get on to reach him - ok, so the last one maybe a little closer to home.

So tonight I ask the Moon to bring me a dreamless sleep because I don't need them in the night. The morning brings me the most wonderful vision of a glorious future reflected back at me by those green/amber eyes on the pillow next to mine.