Sunday, 26 August 2012

Alone With Somebody Else

'pensive' from We Heart It

You love your own company and you crave to be by yourself quite frequently, but all those other times when you wanted to be with someone, you created little moments with them because you felt the need to make those small but sweet memories, something to use your nostalgia on.You somehow knew on some level that they wouldn't always be there and when they weren't you sat there looking at the wall, at your feet, at your whole life.

Sometimes, you can have that friend that tends to feel very much the same, practices the same rituals that you do with whom you can just be who you always are to yourself. You're not being negative, you're just being honest and this person won't try to show you the 'bright side'. You know when to cheer up, you know when to come down and it's important to have someone around who can allow you to bounce between the two when you want. The both of you may be in completely different circumstances but you've been in the same spot before and there's nothing more to say about it. You might be lucky to get a tear, a sigh, a giggle and some insight all in the same sitting.

But you can take those small but sweet memories and change them into something new, recreate them to give them new meaning: sharing a favourite programme, getting each other cupcakes, walking hours away around the streets of London and sitting on a curb or a set of steps to pause again and let each other look into the distance. You may have been in that very same place before with all those people you miss, but now you're there with someone who you won't have to.

And when that friend isn't around and you're all by yourself again, you can turn to those other things that also allow you to feel what you want.

Your favourite music will soften you in the darkness and some great words on a page might give it all some sense when you're ready to reach for the light.

Wednesday, 15 August 2012


On Friday night, the curtains went up and I was sat in the Colliseum Theatre watching Swan Lake. It was my first time watching the ballet but it felt more like a really hazy distant memory. Like a sap, I welled up within in the first few seconds of it starting. The music, the set, the tutus, the sequences and more than anything, the Snow Queen blew me away.

It got me thinking about my own dancing hang-ups. I've always loved dancing, I wanted to go to classes when I was little but never had the opportunity. Instead, I would make up my own choreography in my bedroom and dance everyday to my favourite songs. As I got older, I danced less often and well, life got in the way. I stopped excercising altogether until I took up yoga later on, the only other thing that resonated. My body wants to be flexible, graceful and strong in the legs but that all got hindered when I got these nerve problems in my feet, rendering me unable to even walk barefoot around the house.

For 6 years, they've stopped me from doing what I want to and to avoid stepping on painful flooring, I've forgotten what it's like to feel all that energy in my legs and strength in my movements. After a healing session over a week ago, I was told that it is possible for the nerves to regenerate and with some dedication, my feet can be healed. And so my reaction was to scout for an adult beginners ballet class. I've found just the perfect thing, I've found the perfect shoes and soon I'll take my inner child to a dance class and heal my adult self. My legs seem to know it's coming, they're wanting to stretch and bend more in anticipation.

About 3 years ago, I wrote a poem about a dream I had, and it feels more close to me now than it did at the time:

Past Life

I twirled and twirled on my toes
in another time, on another plane.
That floor was mine upon which
I could prance and swish, no longer a wish.
I wore ballerina shoes, soft pink
and spectators were there I think, watching me
I could bend and hop, my body was free to feel
each move, such grace.
Not sure which country or place but I was there
and it was me and I was dancing, spinning like so.
A ballerina I was, a long time ago.

Thursday, 2 August 2012

Back in the Saddle

The longer I leave it, the more I have to say and the more I have to say, the harder it gets to write.

I haven't been on this blog for nearly two months now and as predicted, London swallowed me up in a whirlwind of activity.

We began our new venture with the celebration of Summer Solstice in my favourite UK town of Glastonbury...this is a picture I nicked from my friend who managed to capture the Sun coming up at about 4.50am on the 20th June.

We marvelled, drummed and rambled. There were cows and a Devic tree, a group snooze in the car and a picnic in the fields. Unfortunately, our day was cut short when we got a phonecall from home telling us that my cat, my Rocky boy had gone missing. He must have been shut out while we loaded the car at midnight the previous night. I put posters up and wept and walked around the neighbourhood twice a day calling his name. I couldn't imagine starting my new life with Lo without Rocky in the picture. After four days of heartache and dissapointment whenever the phone didn't ring or a neighbour didn't knock on the door with the cuddly Garfield himself, Loic and I decided to hop on a bus to a friend's house. Upon coming back from the shops to top our Oysters, I heard a desperate meow as we walked past a van. I cried out "Rocky?!" and he came out from under it and ran over to me. The joy of reuniting was immense. I couldn't stop embracing him.

So it's been very much like this the whole time we've been back: ups and downs.

We went to see the exhibition about Native Art as promised to my Navajo acquaintance only to find out that he couldn't make it to London due to "passport issues", we went on that Foraging for Herbs walk and that turned out to be just lovely. I collected clippings and took pictures, Natasha, the herbalist taught us how to collect and make a tincture, how to identify Fennel, Lady's Mantle, Lemon Balm and Calendula and how to use them.

Jobhunting was the next frustration, I managed to get a job in Mysteries, a magical shop in Covent Garden that sells crystals, incense, books and buddhas and does psychic readings; a perfect part-timer for me, but unfortunately Loic wasn't as lucky. After hundreds of applications and near-misses, he didn't land himself anything but a job in France for the whole of August as a campsite co-ordinator in the mountains - we decided that he needed to take the opportunity and so he did. He's gone now, until the beginning of September. And although I've got a lot to be getting on with, half of me is missing.

But I'm here at my mum's and sometimes at my sister's, still living out of a suitcase. I wonder when this ridiculous cycle will end...a proper bed would be nice, my own things unpacked and put away or hung up on the walls to make me feel like I've got a home. A home for me, a home for Rocky and a home for Loic. I'm manifesting it like a maniac, being patient and stating to the Universe that's what we need. The Universe obviously seems to think that we need to take a detour.

On the writing front, I've joined Write Club a short story writing excercise club co-ordinated by my fellow writer friend, Joe. Once our stories are up from last week, I'll post up a link to the blog...

And the other fruits of my literary labours are live and online, the website text I wrote for my favourite restaurant in Bali can now be read here:

My dear friend, Cisco created this site with his magical web design powers and gave me the chance to be a part of the project. And if you ever go to Bali, don't leave without eating at CharMing - everything about it is delicious!

I'm sure I'm forgetting a whole load of things that have gone on in the last 6 or 7 weeks but I'd rather get back to writing about things that matter now or inspire me, so seeing as though this was a quick recap of a blog, the next one I promise will be a little more profound and better written.