My life has become infected with 'whens'. When I get some cash. When I can write. When I get a home. When I get to unpack. When I get all my things back. When I have a bed. When I run my workshops. When I can afford this. When I can do that. When I have the space.When When When. I exist now entirely in a stream of thoughts about an uncertain future. I've been playing the game like a good little girl. I have given 'benefit of the doubt' to all circumstances. I have found at least one positive out of all the negative. I have trusted. I have had faith. I have hoped, oh god I have hoped. And it's all ran out. There are no more answers. All dim flames that were burning through the darkness are being snuffed out one by one.
I need to smile again. I need to laugh again. I need to be at peace again. I need to sleep soundly again. I need to wake up knowing that I am moving forward.
Escapism doesn't work anymore. Distraction doesn't help.
The books are dwindling. Time is no longer on my side. Creativity has put its coat on and walked out the door. Relaxation is obsolete.
I looked back over a set of tarot cards I've been eyeing up for a while, another when. A small when but still another to add to the pile. I've gone over the images again and again because the artist, Paulina Cassidy inspires me. They make me want to write stories but the words aren't coming out. They'll come back to me perhaps. When.
Of all the cards, I pulled this one off the page of her website because I thought it was beautiful:
It means Despair, Loss, Hardship, Survival, Abandonment, Neglected Health, Poverty, Rediscovering Hope.
That sounds about right.