Time For a Little Poem...

It's been a while since I've written a poem here and this morning this one fell out of my mouth, my head and my heart and I quickly laid it down on paper before the words had a chance to shatter on the floor and I'd have to sweep them away.

So forgive me, it hasn't been edited...this is purely spontaneous.

Indonesia

Dusted it off and blew on it twice

A wish escaped along with the breath

And travelled over battered walls

And banyan trees

Exhaust smoke and children’s pleas

To skip the begging and play

It avoids the Sun’s fury all day

Dances past judgment and

Still on the breeze

Through cracks in the temples

Tried to get down on my knees

But couldn’t feel the buzz only the numb

Really straining to hear that hum

Those whispers that shake the leaves

One taps me on the head and I feel chosen

Nature’s gentle nudge

But that wish gets snagged and doesn’t budge

For a while until it’s forced

To take another course where spiders creep

Between flowers winged creatures peep

Both kindred and enemy they feast on the skin

Bang at the door

Can’t take refuge curled up on the floor

They will get you there too until the noise stops

And I’ve got my eyes on that moonlight

Its brilliant glow

The way it kisses the ocean the way it hangs low

Somewhere in that forgotten and unknown

It’s casting light on a king made of stone

A kris in his hand and menace on his face

Giving the impression that gold means grace

He sits higher than me and I’m meant to feel his power

I’ve never counted so much in my life

Hour by hour

Sunrise to sunset I've left little hearts in the places we met

For all of you by the sea and under the stars

Music and love faded the scars

That wish is still on its way up to Father Sky

Still battling exhaust smoke and avoiding those pleas

Indonesia you’ve helped me see

Helped me see

Medicine

Aside from celebrating my birthday this week, I have also been exposed to some very beautiful music, exhanged truths with some amazing people and have been challenged by the Universe to hold my integrity, to stay strong and push through with my beliefs.

On Saturday night at Antida, Lo and I were blown away by an artist called Nahko Bear and his band Medicine for the People. I haven't been moved like that by a band in years. Their sound and more importantly, their message resonated with every fibre in my being; reverberating after a warm tap on my inner core. And on Wednesday we went to watch Nahko play a solo set after which we had the privilege of chatting with him. Part Native American, Puerto-Rican and Filipino, Nahko now lives in Hawaii and is one of the most interesting artists I have ever come across. His lyrics speak for what I sometimes struggle to say verbally or through my writing...but I don't think I could put it better than this:

I often need a dose of this medicine when someone has knocked me down or when I've been placed in a situation where I lose the belief in myself. Music, meditation or healing conversations brings me back home and connect me back to myself and then I feel charged with the courage and the light needed to go on. Not being able to easily access my closest kindreds, the ones who know exactly who I am, and without the ability to have a cuddle with the animal of my heart, Rocky or sit somewhere peaceful to just be, I've needed that reassurance more than ever in Bali. And without the music of Nahko and the incredible spiritual and intellectual exchange with someone who has become a very dear friend or without the love and support of Lo and the wonderful connection we share, I may have easily crumbled.

My voice is drowning a little where it needs to be heard the most; I need to figure out how to keep it afloat.

This morning I drew this card from my Native American Vision Quest Tarot set:

Self Awerness - intelligence - inspiration - self-respect - confidence - inner strength - clarity - creativity - courage

"This image depicts your strength to be who you truly are. Not who you are supposed to be, should have been or what others make you become. Your self-confidence has been awakened. With it awakens the courage to drop your masks once and for all. This is the only way to return to your own inner centre"

My self-confidence certainly gets tested and I can only shine the light of my true self to those who are open to seeing it. I do not know where this true me - this spiritual, tribal, diminish-all-fear and remove-all-negative-people-from-my-life ME will take me, but I have to see.

I have just entered my next seven-year cycle by turning 28, great change is on the horizon.

And all I can do for now is agree with this song and say to myself: "I believe in the good things coming".

To be Literally Literary

I exist in many worlds, in my head and in person. I am of one that craves to stamp words on air or on paper to make reality out of feeling; I am a writer. I am also one of nostalgia, I constantly seek it as an emotion to remind me of who I am, where I have been, what I was. I am also one of dreams, the relentless movie creating of a hopeful and colourful future; I thrive on future goals and projects to fuel my fire. I am also of one that in fact, denies convention as a life map and instead I embrace the magical, the unknown and the 'other-worldy' and consider it all far more possible than what appears before my very own eyes.

I love words. One of my favourites is 'whimsical':

whim·si·calAdjective:

1. Playfully quaint or fanciful, esp. in an appealing and amusing way.
2. Acting or behaving in a capricious manner.

I am incredibly fanciful and I highly enjoy being so. I have the world perception of a hippy. I have the heart of a healer but guard it with the shield of a knight. I am Earthy and love to craft with my hands...I'm not afraid to graft. All of this makes me happy, but it confuses me too; the need to be all of this and the need to make a living can often repel each other - but not always. I know plenty of like-minded souls who exist through their creativity, it buys them their home and their holidays away.

My thought processes are spatial, not linear and so you see, it becomes a bit of a problem when I need to write in lines (how else?).

I wrote this a few months ago and it stills stands as my ultimate yearn in life:

A Plea to My Dormant Self

I spit my soundless words up at the sky in the hope that clouds will catch them and rain them back down on me, awakening my skin with cold breath.

A fellow friend and writer put it up on her fridge and that's the best response I could ever have hoped to get.

But if only I could wear my words like a ball gown; it would be opulent and dazzling, one with delicate detail and layers that descend the stairs before I do. I'd wear it everyday. It would become me and I it, it would be what I have to show the world.

And so, in my desire to live this world that combines my need for words, for spirituality, for knowledge, for craft, for dreams I've been brainstorming projects and have landed two solid ideas to make my future a rewarded existence. Solid ideas but not solid in practice...but soon to be revealed. And for now, I've been granted the chance here in Bali to put my words to good use: by translating French text and rewriting in English for one person and afterschool tutoring English for the eight-year old son of a friend. That's plenty to be getting on with for now, but it's not quite enough for this fanciful, dancing-in-the-forest dreamer.

I had a hypnotherapy session recently...I wanted to know what my blocks were, what fears I had lurking in dark corners of this forest dreamland that is my mind...what's stopping me from writing fervently, incessantly and throwing it out there like a frisbee for some editor, publisher or agent to catch. I regressed to a past life and worked through the lessons of that brutal Medieval time and was encouraged by the hypnotherapist to heal the root cause. But now I'm bursting at the seams with narrative and there isn't enough time or an adequate tool to manifest it with.

Funny how I was also recommended this novel by the same friend who put my words on her fridge:





I adored it. It made me feel everything I want to feel when I read a piece of literature. It made me see everything I want to see when I am given the opportunity to create a picture. It is also a story that parallels modern day with Medieval times. I devoured it in two days and it has made its way into my top ten favourites of all time. This story speaks so much of me that I am devasted that I didn't write it myself...but it prompts the question: which story is mine?

What I am also gutted about, is that I won't be in London for this:

http://www.worldbooknight.org/

A night-time event at The Southbank Centre that consists of candlelit readings on the terrace (including Mark Haddon reading his new yet to be published novel), comedy, spoken word, free cocktails and a mass giveaway of 10 titles. I am getting tearful at the laptop just thinking about this amazing event that I can't be at. Seeing as though I'm so fanciful, I'll just hope that I'll astral project myself there for it. Or, someone attend it for me, tell me how great it was and bag me a free book?

Bucket List

It's been a stressful few weeks out here in Bali and as you may have noticed from the delayed update of this blog, our internet has been off. Much to our frustration, sorting things out like this in Indonesia isn't as simple as making a quick phonecall to your provider. Nothing is. To me, it feels like the equivalent of searching for The Holy Grail. And so, I stress that this maddening situation that we've been in has not just been about the bloody internet of course. A whole multitude of things (and much more serious, may I add) have gone, shall we say, tits up.

To conlude, our plans have now changed and we are forced to switch the tracks. We are coming home to Europe in June. There are plenty of positives in this decision, believe me. And the most exciting thing about it is that we have so much more to be getting on with. So many other places we want to see, so many things we want to do.

So, during a dinner with a friend, we got onto the subject of a bucket list - a list of things you want to do before you die. After having discussed what we all had done so far, I felt quite proud of my achievments at the age of 27...leaving Bali is just a minor change of plan in the grand scheme of things. Not staying here for a year as previously intended isn't a failure at all but a realisation that this isn't the way it's meant to be. Listening to calls when you get them are more important. That's what it was to me when I decided to go travelling last year, it was a calling. And in following its path, I crossed off a bunch of things from my bucket list in one hit.

Our friend chalked up what she'd love to do before she dies and posted it on Facebook...in response to that, I'm going to tell all of you mine on this blog. It is then archived for me to look back on in time to come when I'm feeling a little stuck or blue. Sometimes we just need to tell ourselves that we've been bouncing along a rainbow of experiences all our lives and when we hit that grey cloud, we need to look back on the bountiful path we've been following. And on the otherside of that cloud, sunlight will eventually break.

So here are the highlights of what I've done so far:

*See the Himalayas
*Bond with an Elephant (I spent a lovely morning making and feeding rice parcels to the beautiful elephant Jampar Kali in Nepal)
*Visit Jim Morrison's grave in Paris
*Spend time on a Native American Reservation
*Do a sweatlodge ceremony
*See the Grand Canyon
*Go dolphin watching
*Sit on the dock of the bay (A tribute to Otis Redding in San Francisco)
*Stroll down "The Walk of Fame"
*See the "Christ the Redeemer" statue in Rio, Brazil
*Be on TV (The 6 o'clock news with my mum, in the audience of MTV's TRL, in the background of a news report in Nepal and featuring in a main story on a French reality show about loved ones reuniting at airports - with Loic in Lyon)
*Stroke a lion cub
*Learn guitar
*Learn a craft (there are several I still want to learn, but one of them I actually did was learn how to make candles)
*See the Mona Lisa, Venus di Milo and all that jazz at the Louvre
*Visit Stonehenge
*Go to a Buddhist temple (been to a couple now)
*Have a Past Life Regression

The Himalayas, photo of Jim Morrison's grave by Cyrilplace on Etsy, The Christ in Rio and The Louvre Museum

Ok...so running out of things I've done...a little shorter than I wanted it to be, but not bad a list. I'm sure I'm forgetting a few!

And now for my up to date Bucket List:

*See Machu Picchu
*Hug a panda
*Ride an elephant (nearly did but had to cut the trip to Nepal short)
*Master a Jimi Hendrix song on electric guitar (I know, I know)
*Bathe in the hotsprings in Iceland
*Visit Graceland
*Go to Japan
*Publish a book (this has always been number one, actually)
*Visit Delphi, the ancient oracle temple in Greece
*Learn more crafts, like: bookmaking, printmaking, sculpture, making stained glass windows, mozaics, dressmaking, soapmaking, woodcarving etc
*Own a Victorian house (this comes very closely behind publishing a book - a lifelong dream)
*Spend a week in a cosy log cabin
*Road trip across Europe

Japan, Mozaic making, hotsprings in Iceland and Machu Picchu

And I'm sure there are many more, but we'll leave it there...achievable? I'd like to think so.

After reading a few articles on Bucket Lists, there are some rather pessimistic people out there who seem to think that these lists are supposed to include things that are out of one's grasp...unrealistic dreams that would never happen. There was one particularly negative article that gave a 'most likely' type of list that is, according to this writer, the blueprint of most of our lives. The list featured things like: 'get a mortgage then fall behind on payments', 'do a degree and then spend life working in an irrelevant field'...I mean really, if this is the case, it's only because you choose it to be. And what sort of hope is there for people who settle for humdrum and never think they can achieve anything exciting? Go and do it, even if it's the smallest of things like 'write a song' or 'ride a horse' - do it!

I'm intrigued by other people's dreams, desires and goals, so what's your bucket list? And better yet, what are your proudest achievements?

Hide and Seek

We turned our backs and rode away in search of solace, to shake off the heaviness. Even though the rain followed, it was just us in some places, with heavy greens and a blanket sky. We were enveloped in quiet for a while and my smile came back. Wet feet, lank hair and a waterproof mac brought back the feeling of being small in such vastness, beneath such power the Earth can bear.
But we rode and we rode and found pockets of space shaped like us to hide in.

Between fields and tucked away in mountains, our voices rippled on the wet air, no one could hear us sing, no one could see us there - bubbled up in our need to be. Free.


I found myself again when my palms reached out for a tree, a need I sometimes feel. To copy its wholeness and stability - we exchanged a few thoughts before it sent me on my way, for there was more for us to seek.

And up high where you all seem impossible, we calmed the chill - the shakes, and replaced them with liquid stillness and imagined what we could be somewhere out there, up there, down there. But together.

And when we could ride no more, we crept in darkness, hushed and safely hidden, dimmed light called us in. A room made for gentle voices, no others could get in. A cocoon of white softness and heavy eyes but a sigh of peace each, sailed across promising pillows. A hot shower shifted time and space and the swelling of hearts under its deep healing, almost prompted a tear.

We'd found our spot, our nook to exist and dissappear in. And in breaking light after dreams of home, I'd realised that it's not somewhere out there, up there or down there but in us. Just us.

I Need Therapy

No, don't worry, this isn't a cry out for help. On Friday I was awarded a certificate in Aromatherapy Massage; another qualification to add to the others. Another tool in my belt to becoming an Holistic Therapist. I enrolled myself on this course because, well, quite frankly, I was craving it. Every now and then (usually every year) I get a desire to learn another therapy, go to a workshop or get involved in a ceremony like the sweat lodge I did in Arizona. I love to learn and I think I'll be a student for the rest of my life. I used to think that I was a "Jack of all trades and a master of none" but quite frankly, I'd much rather know a little bit about everything than be an expert in one particular thing. It's all part of my aim to gel together everything I've learned and qualified in and produce an all-rounded practice. So far I've got my BA in Creative Writing, my diploma in Herbalism, my practitioner's certificate in Colour Therapy and Angelic Reiki and now the Aromatherapy Massage. I'm already thinking about what's next...

I've never set myself up as a therapist before because I never had a space to practice from, didn't have enough money to start up with and was planning to travel first but the time is coming very soon for me to start helping people to balance their bodies, hearts and minds. For me, alternative therapies have done wonders for my own personal healing and growth. The Angelic Reiki atunements I received, working with colour, meditation, drinking herbal teas, using essential oils in candles and burners, doing yoga and going through a year of energy bodywork treatments has made me almost a brand new person - no scratch that, it has cleared out my negative emotions and the stagnant energy in my body that had sat there for years. It brought my mind, body and spirit closer in alignment. So not a brand new person but a stronger and an improved version of myself.


So, I want to facilitate this for others. I've got lots of ideas and projects that I want to get started on and a website is on the cards very soon. I'm open to collaboration projects in terms of running workshops so I'll be pulling in all my resources and getting anyone who's keen to get involved. When I'm back from Bali, I'll be looking to offer poetry workshops, painting mandala sessions, meditation classes, making natural remedies and cosmetics workshops and running Native American influenced groupwork and healings as well as being available for massages, aura cleansings, chakra balancing and reiki treatments so if you fancy any of that, please let me know. It'll be full of warmth, comfort and joy, I promise you!

The Comfort Zone

Photo by Nina Leen, 1954

As I sit here watching it piddle down outside, I'm thinking about why I'm feeling so restless. Why am I not either relaxing properly or getting on with things like writing some poetry, working on unfinished pieces or continuing to read that book I started ages ago?

Those of you who work, long for a day like this; when it's raining outside, you don't really have to go anywhere and you can truly indulge in anything or nothing. For me right now, it's absolutely tedious; hence why inspiration has flown from me and I can't get into my projects. Until I start working, I'll be sat around twiddling my thumbs some more..."just relax and enjoy your time" you say? Not easy when you run out of things to do by 11am and it's too hot to want to do anthing else. You see, my usual creature comforts don't apply here in Bali.

Image from We Heart it

The things that make me feel fuzzy and content are:

*Wearing a baggy woollen jumper
*Laying on the sofa with the cat and rubbing his belly
*Baking a cake while listening to old music
*Eating said cake with a cup of tea (usually with someone to have a good natter with)
*Having a long hot shower, using all my best soaps and scrubs
*Watching movies that I've loved since I was a child like Elvis' G.I Blues, Please Sir!, Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, or Airplane! (usually with my favourite blanket wrapped around me)

Scene from G.I Blues

*Do I sound like an old lady?!*

*Rediscovering albums that I haven't listened to in ages, then dancing to them while tidying up
*Flipping through a copy of Spirit & Destiny Magazine and then researching online all the awesome workshops and books it recommends
*Watching a marathon of Location, Location, Location (again, a cup of tea must accompany this)
*Quoting Alan Partridge, IT Crowd and other favourite comedy shows through text and down the phone with mates
*Ordering Chinese for dinner then eating it while watching a DVD
*Getting into my pyjamas (providing I changed out of them in the first place), putting my slippers on and having a pre-bedtime chat with my sister over that last cup of tea.

Ahhh...

Not my own living room obviously, image from Country Living

Now, none of those things are possible apart from the tea (until I run out of the PG Tips I brought with me) but let's face it, it's not really something you can drink all day long when you're sat there lethargic and sweaty from the blazing heat. And night time is reserved for ensuring that you've covered all mosquito repellent methods so that you don't get mauled in your sleep and there is certainly no place for pyjamas and fuzzy socks; it's more like skimpy vest and underwear, barefoot and no covers. So I have to find some new comforts if I'm going to enjoy all this 'spare time'...suggestions are welcome.

So enjoy Spring guys, 'cos it's coming your way and it's my favourite season of the year. Because, aside from those days when I'm dossing about in my comfy clothes while it's cold and raining outside, I just adore those other days when I look out the window and notice that the blossom trees are coming into bloom and that soft cosy living room where I drink my tea and watch my old movies, is lit up with the fresh sunshine of Spring. The other thing that makes me warm and fuzzy is seeing that my cat has noticed it too and is rolling around on the carpet, bathing himself in the rays.

Communion

This morning I've been thinking about what keeps us from feeling alone in the world and the obvious answer is communication. But what happens when we feel comforted by a pet? We suddenly feel more relaxed, more at home if there's a dog whimpering at us or wagging its tail or when a cat comes sauntering into the room and purrs. Usually when we think we're bored or lonely, we assume that we need someone to talk to. But animals cannot verbally communicate but aren't we soothed by them because on some level we really are having an exchange?

Rocky

I miss Rocky, my cat of nearly ten years. So much so, that I feel guilty for leaving him in the UK. He's with my sister and her family and I couldn't trust more that he's being well looked after and loved, but I feel like I owe him an explanation for why I won't be in his life for a year. Some people may say "that's silly, he's just a cat" but cat lovers, animal lovers, petowners, whatever, will understand that we share an unseen, unspoken bond. And those who believe that animals are purely biological and have no emotion ought to be slapped for such ignorance and absolute arrogance to think that humans are somehow superior - why? because we have the functional abilities to voice our neuroses and victimised emotions?! Animals know love and that is a more powerful tool for personal progression than being able to vocalise complaints, pettiness, jealousy, fear and all the other emotions that stunt our growth. We can certainly learn a hell of a lot from animals. They can teach us the difference between idleness and peace, hunger and desire, fear and discernment, personal choices that continue to work for us and facilitate our prime state.

I read this article on Facebook, it's moved me so much that not only did I 'like' it and repost it, I am going to talk about it here because this is the manifestation of grace and Oneness between animal and human being. A family took their baby girl to a zoo and while she gazed in fascination at the 'predators' on the otherside of the glass, this one tiger took a particular interest in this child and walked towards her. The article suggested that her parents and the spectators were 'certain that she would need therapy after this' (how disempowering!) that he'd snarl in her face and she'd be scarred or terrified of cats for the rest of her life. Instead, the little girl placed her hand on the glass and the tiger put his paw up to meet her palm and bowed gently before walking away calmly.

Posted by 'Earth. We are One.'

What's the description of this moment, please? All that comes to my mind is beauty. Evidence of an unspoken exchange, feeling, communion, spirituality. Do we ask, what was so special about this little child that the tiger singled her out and approached her with respect and kindness? No, this little girl isn't the 'chosen one' but I believe she must have projected the truth in her heart - completely free of fear. There are many possibilities and one has to believe in the unknown in order to consider these options as viable. Even the idea that (and some of you may think I'm crazy here but those who understand will agree wholeheartedly) that there was some kind of knowing between them. Some sentient understanding and in that moment, they shared this mutual thought. This baby may not be aware of it (on a conscious level) but somewhere in her eternally operative consciousness -the parts that allow us to dream or to feel recognition without information - must have.

Disagree? Why?

I watched a film called Waking Life, recommended to me by a very dear friend and there was so much in the script that pretty much mimics a thought process that I've been operating on for most of my life and have shared with very special friends of mine because we feel that unspoken knowing between us. It is ever present and it acts as a blueprint for how our lives progress and although we may all have different circumstances and be different people, we never fail to see the synchronicity that binds us together - it is the sense of Oneness. Go ahead, make fun of this 'hippy fluff', but I know what I'm feeling when I look at that picture of the tiger and the baby, I know what I'm feeling when my cat wraps his arm around mine while looking deeply yet softly into my eyes and I know what I'm feeling when I'm in a room full of spiritually aware people who feel nourished and empowered by a shared view of openness and sentient connection - in turn making us incredibly enlightened and positive.

But back to this film I watched, it's about Lucid Dreaming (being aware that you're dreaming and therefore being able to direct it) and there are just so many discussions in this film that got those thought processes going again. Which of course, proves to me that the friend who recommended it to me, knows on some level that I'd appreciate it because I'm tapping into the same realm of possibilties that she is. And so, this one piece of dialogue, is so important to think about:

"It might be true that there are six billion people in the world and counting.

Nevertheless, what you do makes a difference.

It makes a difference, first of all, in material terms.

Makes a difference to other people and it sets an example.

In short, I think the message here is...

that we should never simply write ourselves off...

and see ourselves as the victim of various forces.

It's always our decision who we are.

Creation seems to come out of imperfection.

It seems to come out of a striving and a frustration.

And this is where I think language came from.

I mean, it came from our desire to transcend our isolation...

and have some sort of connection with one another.

And it had to be easy when it was just simple survival.

Like, you know, "water." We came up with a sound for that.

Or, "Saber-toothed tiger right behind you." We came up with a sound for that.

But when it gets really interesting, I think,

is when we use that same system of symbols to communicate...

all the abstract and intangible things that we're experiencing.

What is, like, frustration? Or what is anger or love?

When I say "love,"

the sound comes out of my mouth...

and it hits the other person's ear,

travels through this Byzantine conduit in their brain,

you know, through their memories of love or lack of love,

and they register what I'm saying and say yes, they understand.

But how do I know they understand? Because words are inert.

They're just symbols. They're dead, you know?

And so much of our experience is intangible.

So much of what we perceive cannot be expressed. It's unspeakable.

And yet, you know, when we communicate with one another,

and we--

we feel that we have connected,

and we think that we're understood,

I think we have a feeling of almost spiritual communion."

I'm thinking all of this because the house is quiet and empty during the day when Lo is at work and I fancy a chat. But that's not to say I want to go out and find people to talk to either, I'm missing those that I have that unspoken feeling of Oneness with, even though we still talk for hours whenever we're together. But they understand that for now we can only send our thoughts and love to each other.

But just like the tiger and the baby, you sometimes just have to see it.

And I guess what I want to say about Rocky is that, even though I long for him to come running into the room if I called his name right now, I can only be appeased by the thought that on some level, he and I have an understanding and he knows that I love him, miss him and will most certainly come back to him.

Nesting

It was Valentine's yesterday and had someone hadn't reminded me, I wouldn't have remembered and I think that's the way I like it. For me, there shouldn't be one designated day to make an effort to show someone you love them...it should be apparent in the relationship everyday. And there are so many little things that happen in my world to know that I am loved and not just by my partner but by my friends and family too.

The past couple of weeks Lo and I have been trying to build up our home. It's old and has some querks but we're slowly starting to work with them - there are times of course when I long for that Victorian with the wooden floors, original fireplaces and high ceilings - I think I always will until I have it (it will be mine, oh yes, it will be mine...) but I am lucky and count myself so every day. I have a space now to fill with small things to keep me feeling like I'm at home for the next year. It's been tough, I must say, things aren't easy to get in Bali, not in the slightest! Something pretty is always out of budget and if you really want something unique, you have to haggle your arse off for it and everything else, the simple things like a butter knife or a colander just don't seem to exist...they are seriously two things on my mission list to find.

And when you do find what you want and cannot carry it home, the delivery charge is the same price as the item. But through blood, sweat and tears, Lo and I have managed to find just a few simple pieces to get our place feeling like home and one thing in particular, that I loved the minute I saw it, is this painting that we found in Ubud (nic-nac heaven for artsy/hippy/New Age people)


And how I knew I was truly loved in that moment? Loic spotted it first, said nothing out loud but thought to himself 'that painting is so my Stephanie and she's going to love it when she sees it' - and I really did! He saw my eyes light up and then haggled the artist for it. And when we got it home and hung it up and put the other little bits and pieces together we'd bought in Ubud, we stood back and looked at the room, it's now looking a bit more us.

Loic knows how much I love property and interior design and trusts me completely to pick things out for the house, I put as much love into putting together a room as I do into my relationships - every little thoughtful detail matters. And although this is just a temporary home, it's a project I've been longing for, for absolute years. I've moved house way too many times and have painfully watched my stuff get packed into people's attics and garages far too often, all I ever wanted was to nest. I get giddy when a new series of Location, Location, Location comes on, Kirstie Allsop is my domestic idol and I think I squealed through most of her C4 series Kirstie's Homemade Home. I used to get kicks out of walking around Habitat, Next Home, Ikea and anywhere else that sells homewares and Ideal Homes magazine is my porn. I've mentally decorated so many times that my fantasy world isn't a Disney fairytale or a snapshot of a peaceful tropical beach, it's a room of bespoke furniture, colours, fabrics, art, wooden pieces, handmade rugs, stained glass, bookcases, antique lamps and handmade crafts. The only thing missing is some beautiful cake recipes for me to try out (another way I nest and present my love to others is to bake) but we don't have an oven - another item that is a rarity in Bali. But we have to make sacrifices, of course.

And so, aside from trying to create a cheap domestic Nirvana, I have been adoring my time with Lo. And when my heart aches a little from missing my family, my friends and my dearest, dearest Rocky boy, he soothes it with the palm of his hand and tells me that he knows how hard this all is for me. Another reason why I'm so lucky. And although I can't invite any of you around for a cup of tea and a chat, I know that this is a building block to our next home back in Europe where I sometimes long to be again to receive that love that you all send my way, in person and not just through email, Facebook or Skype. But I'm sending it to you and I hope you can feel that as you are always in my thoughts, everyday, and not just one. I don't need St. Valentine to remind me what love is.

I've Become a Sleepy House Cat

Yawwwwwn. The past few days, I haven't seemed to break out of the habit of having daytime naps. Although these naps have turned into three to four hour long sleeps. And I'm sleeping again at night too! I expressed this guilty habit to my boyfriend and I suggested that it's either due to extreme tiredness (clocked up over the last few very busy months), laziness (I'm more reluctant to admit this one) or boredom. Lo put it down to boredom. Our new house is still missing some furniture and I really do think it'll make a difference once there's a living room set up so that I'm not horizontal for most the day. The living room gets the best light in the house too so I think I'd feel a lot more energised if I was being soaked in sunshine while sat upright to write and read and get the other things done that my brain is nagging me to do.

Lo has been working late lots this week and worries that I'm feeling a bit imprisoned. I'm not, I have just succumbed to the stagnant energy in the house. It needs brightening up a bit and so do I. No more of this flopping about hazily on the bed.

The other solution is a bike to go out on. I wanna be a girl about town, riding to the bakery, the beach or just out having a bit of a cruise. I don't think I'll really feel like I'm living in Bali until I'm independently going about my day so this evening, my beau Lo and I are going out to get one. I'm a little anxious though, I haven't ridden a bike properly since I was about 13 so it's going to take a while before I venture far and confidently.

But at least I've had plenty of net time to stay connected, do research and get inspired. I've come across a few blogs to keep me ticking over like Retrogasm where awesome retro pictures like this are posted:


And The Final Sentence, a blog dedicated to compiling final sentences of great literature which I think is a fantastic idea and sometimes I'll read one and think 'wow what a bloomin' good ending to a book!' you'd think it would spoil wanting to read the rest of the novel, but for me, if it's a beautiful ending then the rest of the book must be beautiful too...

This Amazing Planet does what it says on the tin. It's a blog that posts breathtaking photos by various photographers of the most stunning locations on Earth (like these below)...it really is visual joy.


For more silly entertainment I've been following Nightmares and Boners, a blog written by a twenty-something chic who lives in East London and writes (quite openly and comically) about the mishaps of her relationships and sex life. It's just good for a chuckle and some light anecdotal amusement.

And while I was looking for pictures of sleeping cats (and there are thousands - each so bloody adorable) I came across one of the most hilarious blogs I've ever seen: Barely Feral. Someone has posed themselves the question: "what if there was a porn site designed by cats for cats?" and has come up with this gem. Just...take a look...it's brilliant.

Ah, the things I do with my spare time...

New Digs and Crazy Dreams

image from We Heart it

I am now an expat. A weird thought indeed; and before I left the UK in September, I don't think that was a word I ever used before. But I'm in Bali now, after a stint around the world and a month at home, I've got me a new place and a box full of exciting opportunities.

London, I love you and I miss you for a few things: you've got my best friends and my family and you've got those favourite spots I sometimes went to whenever I wanted to leave the house. All I needed was the Oyster fare and I could immerse myself in history, art and esoterism - and if I had extra change for a coffee well then that would just make my day.

But I had to leave you, you see there was more for me out there - there is more for me. And to not miss you at all, I have to think of the things that annoy me the most about you: the biting cold, the shoulder-barges and tuts on a crowded and uncomfortable tube journey; the outrageous prices of decent food in the supermarket and the shoebox flats that you insist people should pay most a months' wages on. But one day I'll come back and it won't be too far off - even if it is just to go back in time and sit in The Bedford in Balham, my family kitchen in Polards Hill, the mini-haven in The Cloisters, The Penderals Oak in Holborn and The Starbucks in Victoria Station because it is these places where I find time again and spend love on my favourite people.

But things will be different for a year and I've been given time and love to spend with one very special person in this tropical territory and a house to get my itchy, decorator hands on. These delicious, brand new things in my life have seemed like a dream and I never want to wake up from it when I'm looking into green/amber eyes on the pillow next to mine. And although bedtime for me has been the stuff of lullabies, when I've slipped into sleep, I've had crazy and awful dreams.

Reality and dreams flipped? Or a need to clear some unwanted energy?

The first day in our new house, I wafted a Banishing incense stick around every room in the house and swept but I can't help but feel that it needs more to transmute the energy - oh to have a singing bowl and my Goddesses to help raise the vibration. But I'm going to have to come up with something because, either there are some deeper issues in my psyche that are showing themselves in my slumber or there are influences coming through the veil from times past in this place. I love my new home and I'm never uncomfortable but last night I woke up after what felt like hours of anxiety dreams. A narrated (and very vividly so) thriller story that at first felt like fiction but then had me throw my eyes open with an intense case of goosebumps and then a panicked dream about getting to my cat whom I'd left with a friend but could never seem to catch the bus I needed to get on to reach him - ok, so the last one maybe a little closer to home.

So tonight I ask the Moon to bring me a dreamless sleep because I don't need them in the night. The morning brings me the most wonderful vision of a glorious future reflected back at me by those green/amber eyes on the pillow next to mine.