Communion

This morning I've been thinking about what keeps us from feeling alone in the world and the obvious answer is communication. But what happens when we feel comforted by a pet? We suddenly feel more relaxed, more at home if there's a dog whimpering at us or wagging its tail or when a cat comes sauntering into the room and purrs. Usually when we think we're bored or lonely, we assume that we need someone to talk to. But animals cannot verbally communicate but aren't we soothed by them because on some level we really are having an exchange?

Rocky

I miss Rocky, my cat of nearly ten years. So much so, that I feel guilty for leaving him in the UK. He's with my sister and her family and I couldn't trust more that he's being well looked after and loved, but I feel like I owe him an explanation for why I won't be in his life for a year. Some people may say "that's silly, he's just a cat" but cat lovers, animal lovers, petowners, whatever, will understand that we share an unseen, unspoken bond. And those who believe that animals are purely biological and have no emotion ought to be slapped for such ignorance and absolute arrogance to think that humans are somehow superior - why? because we have the functional abilities to voice our neuroses and victimised emotions?! Animals know love and that is a more powerful tool for personal progression than being able to vocalise complaints, pettiness, jealousy, fear and all the other emotions that stunt our growth. We can certainly learn a hell of a lot from animals. They can teach us the difference between idleness and peace, hunger and desire, fear and discernment, personal choices that continue to work for us and facilitate our prime state.

I read this article on Facebook, it's moved me so much that not only did I 'like' it and repost it, I am going to talk about it here because this is the manifestation of grace and Oneness between animal and human being. A family took their baby girl to a zoo and while she gazed in fascination at the 'predators' on the otherside of the glass, this one tiger took a particular interest in this child and walked towards her. The article suggested that her parents and the spectators were 'certain that she would need therapy after this' (how disempowering!) that he'd snarl in her face and she'd be scarred or terrified of cats for the rest of her life. Instead, the little girl placed her hand on the glass and the tiger put his paw up to meet her palm and bowed gently before walking away calmly.

Posted by 'Earth. We are One.'

What's the description of this moment, please? All that comes to my mind is beauty. Evidence of an unspoken exchange, feeling, communion, spirituality. Do we ask, what was so special about this little child that the tiger singled her out and approached her with respect and kindness? No, this little girl isn't the 'chosen one' but I believe she must have projected the truth in her heart - completely free of fear. There are many possibilities and one has to believe in the unknown in order to consider these options as viable. Even the idea that (and some of you may think I'm crazy here but those who understand will agree wholeheartedly) that there was some kind of knowing between them. Some sentient understanding and in that moment, they shared this mutual thought. This baby may not be aware of it (on a conscious level) but somewhere in her eternally operative consciousness -the parts that allow us to dream or to feel recognition without information - must have.

Disagree? Why?

I watched a film called Waking Life, recommended to me by a very dear friend and there was so much in the script that pretty much mimics a thought process that I've been operating on for most of my life and have shared with very special friends of mine because we feel that unspoken knowing between us. It is ever present and it acts as a blueprint for how our lives progress and although we may all have different circumstances and be different people, we never fail to see the synchronicity that binds us together - it is the sense of Oneness. Go ahead, make fun of this 'hippy fluff', but I know what I'm feeling when I look at that picture of the tiger and the baby, I know what I'm feeling when my cat wraps his arm around mine while looking deeply yet softly into my eyes and I know what I'm feeling when I'm in a room full of spiritually aware people who feel nourished and empowered by a shared view of openness and sentient connection - in turn making us incredibly enlightened and positive.

But back to this film I watched, it's about Lucid Dreaming (being aware that you're dreaming and therefore being able to direct it) and there are just so many discussions in this film that got those thought processes going again. Which of course, proves to me that the friend who recommended it to me, knows on some level that I'd appreciate it because I'm tapping into the same realm of possibilties that she is. And so, this one piece of dialogue, is so important to think about:

"It might be true that there are six billion people in the world and counting.

Nevertheless, what you do makes a difference.

It makes a difference, first of all, in material terms.

Makes a difference to other people and it sets an example.

In short, I think the message here is...

that we should never simply write ourselves off...

and see ourselves as the victim of various forces.

It's always our decision who we are.

Creation seems to come out of imperfection.

It seems to come out of a striving and a frustration.

And this is where I think language came from.

I mean, it came from our desire to transcend our isolation...

and have some sort of connection with one another.

And it had to be easy when it was just simple survival.

Like, you know, "water." We came up with a sound for that.

Or, "Saber-toothed tiger right behind you." We came up with a sound for that.

But when it gets really interesting, I think,

is when we use that same system of symbols to communicate...

all the abstract and intangible things that we're experiencing.

What is, like, frustration? Or what is anger or love?

When I say "love,"

the sound comes out of my mouth...

and it hits the other person's ear,

travels through this Byzantine conduit in their brain,

you know, through their memories of love or lack of love,

and they register what I'm saying and say yes, they understand.

But how do I know they understand? Because words are inert.

They're just symbols. They're dead, you know?

And so much of our experience is intangible.

So much of what we perceive cannot be expressed. It's unspeakable.

And yet, you know, when we communicate with one another,

and we--

we feel that we have connected,

and we think that we're understood,

I think we have a feeling of almost spiritual communion."

I'm thinking all of this because the house is quiet and empty during the day when Lo is at work and I fancy a chat. But that's not to say I want to go out and find people to talk to either, I'm missing those that I have that unspoken feeling of Oneness with, even though we still talk for hours whenever we're together. But they understand that for now we can only send our thoughts and love to each other.

But just like the tiger and the baby, you sometimes just have to see it.

And I guess what I want to say about Rocky is that, even though I long for him to come running into the room if I called his name right now, I can only be appeased by the thought that on some level, he and I have an understanding and he knows that I love him, miss him and will most certainly come back to him.

Nesting

It was Valentine's yesterday and had someone hadn't reminded me, I wouldn't have remembered and I think that's the way I like it. For me, there shouldn't be one designated day to make an effort to show someone you love them...it should be apparent in the relationship everyday. And there are so many little things that happen in my world to know that I am loved and not just by my partner but by my friends and family too.

The past couple of weeks Lo and I have been trying to build up our home. It's old and has some querks but we're slowly starting to work with them - there are times of course when I long for that Victorian with the wooden floors, original fireplaces and high ceilings - I think I always will until I have it (it will be mine, oh yes, it will be mine...) but I am lucky and count myself so every day. I have a space now to fill with small things to keep me feeling like I'm at home for the next year. It's been tough, I must say, things aren't easy to get in Bali, not in the slightest! Something pretty is always out of budget and if you really want something unique, you have to haggle your arse off for it and everything else, the simple things like a butter knife or a colander just don't seem to exist...they are seriously two things on my mission list to find.

And when you do find what you want and cannot carry it home, the delivery charge is the same price as the item. But through blood, sweat and tears, Lo and I have managed to find just a few simple pieces to get our place feeling like home and one thing in particular, that I loved the minute I saw it, is this painting that we found in Ubud (nic-nac heaven for artsy/hippy/New Age people)


And how I knew I was truly loved in that moment? Loic spotted it first, said nothing out loud but thought to himself 'that painting is so my Stephanie and she's going to love it when she sees it' - and I really did! He saw my eyes light up and then haggled the artist for it. And when we got it home and hung it up and put the other little bits and pieces together we'd bought in Ubud, we stood back and looked at the room, it's now looking a bit more us.

Loic knows how much I love property and interior design and trusts me completely to pick things out for the house, I put as much love into putting together a room as I do into my relationships - every little thoughtful detail matters. And although this is just a temporary home, it's a project I've been longing for, for absolute years. I've moved house way too many times and have painfully watched my stuff get packed into people's attics and garages far too often, all I ever wanted was to nest. I get giddy when a new series of Location, Location, Location comes on, Kirstie Allsop is my domestic idol and I think I squealed through most of her C4 series Kirstie's Homemade Home. I used to get kicks out of walking around Habitat, Next Home, Ikea and anywhere else that sells homewares and Ideal Homes magazine is my porn. I've mentally decorated so many times that my fantasy world isn't a Disney fairytale or a snapshot of a peaceful tropical beach, it's a room of bespoke furniture, colours, fabrics, art, wooden pieces, handmade rugs, stained glass, bookcases, antique lamps and handmade crafts. The only thing missing is some beautiful cake recipes for me to try out (another way I nest and present my love to others is to bake) but we don't have an oven - another item that is a rarity in Bali. But we have to make sacrifices, of course.

And so, aside from trying to create a cheap domestic Nirvana, I have been adoring my time with Lo. And when my heart aches a little from missing my family, my friends and my dearest, dearest Rocky boy, he soothes it with the palm of his hand and tells me that he knows how hard this all is for me. Another reason why I'm so lucky. And although I can't invite any of you around for a cup of tea and a chat, I know that this is a building block to our next home back in Europe where I sometimes long to be again to receive that love that you all send my way, in person and not just through email, Facebook or Skype. But I'm sending it to you and I hope you can feel that as you are always in my thoughts, everyday, and not just one. I don't need St. Valentine to remind me what love is.

New Digs and Crazy Dreams

image from We Heart it

I am now an expat. A weird thought indeed; and before I left the UK in September, I don't think that was a word I ever used before. But I'm in Bali now, after a stint around the world and a month at home, I've got me a new place and a box full of exciting opportunities.

London, I love you and I miss you for a few things: you've got my best friends and my family and you've got those favourite spots I sometimes went to whenever I wanted to leave the house. All I needed was the Oyster fare and I could immerse myself in history, art and esoterism - and if I had extra change for a coffee well then that would just make my day.

But I had to leave you, you see there was more for me out there - there is more for me. And to not miss you at all, I have to think of the things that annoy me the most about you: the biting cold, the shoulder-barges and tuts on a crowded and uncomfortable tube journey; the outrageous prices of decent food in the supermarket and the shoebox flats that you insist people should pay most a months' wages on. But one day I'll come back and it won't be too far off - even if it is just to go back in time and sit in The Bedford in Balham, my family kitchen in Polards Hill, the mini-haven in The Cloisters, The Penderals Oak in Holborn and The Starbucks in Victoria Station because it is these places where I find time again and spend love on my favourite people.

But things will be different for a year and I've been given time and love to spend with one very special person in this tropical territory and a house to get my itchy, decorator hands on. These delicious, brand new things in my life have seemed like a dream and I never want to wake up from it when I'm looking into green/amber eyes on the pillow next to mine. And although bedtime for me has been the stuff of lullabies, when I've slipped into sleep, I've had crazy and awful dreams.

Reality and dreams flipped? Or a need to clear some unwanted energy?

The first day in our new house, I wafted a Banishing incense stick around every room in the house and swept but I can't help but feel that it needs more to transmute the energy - oh to have a singing bowl and my Goddesses to help raise the vibration. But I'm going to have to come up with something because, either there are some deeper issues in my psyche that are showing themselves in my slumber or there are influences coming through the veil from times past in this place. I love my new home and I'm never uncomfortable but last night I woke up after what felt like hours of anxiety dreams. A narrated (and very vividly so) thriller story that at first felt like fiction but then had me throw my eyes open with an intense case of goosebumps and then a panicked dream about getting to my cat whom I'd left with a friend but could never seem to catch the bus I needed to get on to reach him - ok, so the last one maybe a little closer to home.

So tonight I ask the Moon to bring me a dreamless sleep because I don't need them in the night. The morning brings me the most wonderful vision of a glorious future reflected back at me by those green/amber eyes on the pillow next to mine.

Longing

Emptied out like the contents of a cardboard box...first the outer packaging that cushions everything was taken out (the shell that holds the soul in place), then one by one an item was removed from its temporary home and placed in another (the heart, the lungs, the mind), the box was thrown away...

...let me love somewhere else, let me breathe somewhere else, set my mind free to be where it longs to be.

Busy Bee

As spring approaches like a new dawn, the planet rebirths herself into a phase of new beginnings and opportunities. I love this time of year because I've finally woken up from the dull cold slumber of winter and I bless the year with my renewed handfasting (a pagan marriage ceremony) and another birthday celebration. Perhaps because I was born a spring baby the universe is so kind to me when it comes. I am hopeful and this year is a special one because my degree comes to an end and my twin flame and I finally reunite for good, to look for a little nest for us to live and be in love in...

...and so I have a busy week ahead, and in my thoughts, a busy couple of months to come. This week I'm making an 'Earth Mother' candle for a dear friend for her mother - she asked for a springy-fresh, mumsy smell and that's what she'll get with the fragrance of Pine, Neroli and Rose with a crackling wooden wick to make it sound like a camp-fire...visit The Moonchild Garden for more of my creations :)

Aside from this, I've got a gig to go to, Alice in Wonderland to see, dinner at Frankie & Benny's to eat, the Tate Modern to peruse in and some freelance editing work to get done...bring it on spring, I'm enjoying myself already!

Echoes of your music

Down spiral corridors I soared; twisting and turning I flew to the corners of the Earth and back...then suddenly, I was propelled up and out into the universe and I glided over...my heart wanted to leap out from my chest, it all went so fast. But time paused when I came to an abyss, your gentle melodies slithered into my ears and I saw you then - your halo golden, your soul's windows a perfect blue and your fingers sweeping over steel strings with beauty and grace.

I tuned into you and now I am in your trance-like spells...remembering, waiting, wanting...only soothed by the echoes of your music...

I'm on hold again until my heart sings its own sweet harmony, the next time I see you.