Pictures of Matchstick Men

With decent settings and effects on my new phone's adequate camera, I have still failed to achieve my goal of taking more pictures. I do this all the time, I make declarations about making memories, catching opportune photo moments and yet, I still have nothing worth showing you. Please tell me that I won't be forever riding on the asthetics of others to pretty up my blog! The thing is, to take pictures, and I mean really take pictures, I need to be able to capture the new in new places and the old in new perspectives but I just don't see it in the room that I've been sitting in for days. To a photographer, every moment is a photo moment. I must be more vigilant!

Pictures are great and all that but it's music that gets me every time; a moment for every song and a song for every moment. My awareness remains in my moods, my emotions and the little hairs on the back of my neck that stand up when the right song is played in synchronicity with feeling.

I had a major ipod sort-out and deleted songs I noticed I skip through these days and replaced them with old ones I've rekindled affection for...perhaps it's my constant 'I'm back here again' feeling that has me revisiting frozen moments that can be thawed out time and time again. Old pictures however, are still too difficult to look at right now...they give me a different kind of feeling, similar to the one that has you questioning your reality like in that split second when you put your feet back on the ground after a rollercoaster ride or something. But I love to feel the giddiness I get from music, I kind of like the nostalgia; an appreciation of a time for what it was without the desire to ever change it if I could have.

So, no new memories as of yet, but here's a few tunes I've thawed out from those frozen moments:



Music Playlist at MixPod.com

Promises Promises by The Cooper Temple Clause
Hook and Line by The Kills
Underdog by Kasabian
No No No by Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Pure Morning by Placebo
Childproof by Queen Adreena

Communication Breakdown

It really is a time of uncertainty at the moment; the weather has thrown daily routine into standby plans and tube strikes have added an extra bit of drama to an already disruptive couple of weeks.

I have kept my end of every bargain and have managed to follow through with plans that don't just depend on myself like work trips and doctor appointments. Last week I went to Sheffield for work and tried to shut my ears off to comments such as "you know I hear snow is coming, you might get stuck here,". Now, I don't like to hear the sentence: 'you might get stuck here' in ANY circumstance, but the fact that it was said to me in Sheffield had me seeing horror-film clips flash across my inner screen. And you know the expression 'it's nothing to write home about?', well Sheffield is nothing to blog about so let's just thank it for The Arctic Monkeys and move on.

Since being back, there have been misconstrued text messages, missed phonecalls, damaged sim cards, hang-ups and all sorts of communication pandemonium...has this 'crazy' time of snow and christmas adverts (that are aired far too early), causing everybody to misunderstand simple unwritten laws that we've always rolled with? I'm having a deja-vous while everyone is experiencing confusion: people forgetting their own names and what year we're in and even who I am and how they know me. Or is it me?! Perhaps I'm living in a different time frame and all my friends are cloned in the realm in which I thought was reality... maybe an answer to the meltdown of something we've been using for years, the telephone...my line must be connecting to a different plane.

And amongst all these interpersonal errors, I went along to my clinic and waited for my doctor who was driving through ice and craziness to perform my surgery. One thing that I was hell-bent on having done. Three years I have been sent back and forth for this, three years of discomfort and dissolved self-esteem to remove the stone in my shoe, or my foot rather; a neurovascular something or other that wasn't any prettier than it sounds. But my physical hinderances have been lasered out. I wonder if it can be done with the emotional ones too...

But at the end of all this, I'm not sitting here with bandages around my feet feeling bitter and sorry for myself because I have to commando-crawl to the kitchen if I want painkillers...oh no no no. Well yes I guess I am a little bit...but I believe it's because I'm alone and bored and have even reduced myself to the thought of what everyone is getting on with at work. Scary. You know what would break up the boredom for me a bit? Some communication, some correspondence, some kind of two-way interaction...oh wait I just remembered, it's snowing outside, christmas is nearly here and no one knows how to use a phone properly anymore.

...

"Sometimes one creates a dynamic impression by saying something, and sometimes one creates as significant an impression by remaining silent."

-Dalai Lama

Unconditional

*My boy Rocky*

Missing the Sky

(image from we heart it)

Come fly with me?

Stay Within

The laptop has kept me company all day, I'd been debating on whether or not to leave the house and it made my decision for me. "Stay in and blog, " he said. Yes my laptop is a he. And he talks too. "Get inspired, communicate, explore."

So that's what I'm doing. I'm also looking over some writing I did a few years back. Here's a poem called 'Stay Within' (just as a note, 'Jim' is a reference to Jim Morrison and his lyrics to 'The End'...epic song)

Walls around seem to breathe me in;

their energy draws in the power of my eyes.

Need to plant my roots to stay within.

Stretched then pulled into an emotional bin,

dispensed as waste in disguise.

My prism of colours calls me in.

Ride the Snake, as told by Jim.

I’ve put myself on a shelf, to one side;

waiting to get back to where I’ve been.

Keep my arms connected to my kin

until placed between four towers where I’ll reside.

For now: tears, coffee, cigarettes, gin.

Never any interest for me to win;

only certain mantras of which to abide.

Mother Earth just ground me in.

Prop up a pillow on which to rest my chin.

Everything we know of the Universe applies.

In demand by others’ sin.

Walls have infinite energy to breathe me in.

Today you Made me Smile

Vacant/Occupied

I promised myself and the two of you who read this thing (you know who you are) that I would write toilet-roll-length thoughts and creative writing as often as you have hot dinners and here I am two months later. I'm now trying to rebuild a relationship with blogspot - it's not right this off again on again business. The truth is, I haven't had much to say but have had too much to think about. Like waiting at the airport for my baggage, I've watched these moments go around and around and around...I'm still not quite sure they are mine.

Forgive me for this slack warm-up but of course Halloween, Guy Fawkes Night (does anyone else still call it that?) and Autumn has passed us by and there are plenty of gaps to fill in and not enough time for hindsight so I won't blabber on about what I have done in my life recently; or more to the point, what life has done to me. I too have plunged into hibernation along with the rest of nature; all I've needed is sleep, so why is it that I have walked the waking hours like I'm on a valium-type-of-numbness? Switched off. Not firing on all cylinders as my Little Big sis says.

Today I woke up a little. Rubbing old times from my eyes, scratching my head about tomorrow and having yet another cup of coffee to think about the rest.

Longing

Emptied out like the contents of a cardboard box...first the outer packaging that cushions everything was taken out (the shell that holds the soul in place), then one by one an item was removed from its temporary home and placed in another (the heart, the lungs, the mind), the box was thrown away...

...let me love somewhere else, let me breathe somewhere else, set my mind free to be where it longs to be.

Glastonbury: The Heart Chakra

This bank holiday weekend I did something unusual; instead of film marathons and suffering from bum-numbness, I got several breaths of fresh air trekking around Glastonbury. I'd never been before - what a stunning little town!

My friend and I arrived on Saturday afternoon and went to The White Spring where the water runs crystalline pure and tastes just as so. While contemplating in this magical little cave, my chakras danced to the beat of a drummer who took advantage of the amazing acoustics and earthy setting.

I tasted the most amazing Brazilian steak that night at a place called Hawthorn's which we had to revisit the next night because we'd given it 5 stars; we spent most of the meal talking about the food which we decided was the only sign of the most satisfying dinner out. As we left the restaurant we were pulled down the street by the sound of live blues rock; we bopped a little in the doorway of the pub that was hosting it before we decided to call in for a drink...what an incredible band! The lead singer who was also the lead guitarist had the luxury of selecting a guitar out of the five he had for each song they were about to blow us away with. Someone in the audience asked if she could sing and took the stage for 'Sweet Home Chicago', turns out, it was Suzi Quatro's daughter.

Walking up the Tor, I got a healthy clear out; you almost have to use your hands to climb just to ensure that you don't get blown off by the incredibly forceful wind up there. I began the climb with a cold and by the time I'd gotten to the top, my innards felt like they had been pumped with menthol!

Walking down the high street that afternoon I was looking around all the beautiful little shops like I'd only just seen the sky for the first time...I was surrounded by Native American treasures and Pagan decoratives and crystals and esoteric books and all of my favourite wonders on one road! Oh to wake up and have that all on my doorstep *sigh* needless to say, I spent a fair bit!
It was a sad morning on Monday, knowing that I was going home. We had a meander one last time and ended up discovering a few more delights before getting our bus back to Bristol for the train. We found a shop called Star Child which actually looks like a magical apothecary built into a tree house (the herbalist in me squealed a little) and then we entered The Goddess Temple and the vision of that can only reside in my memory and cannot be described in words and all I can say is that my heart lifted up to the cosmos and my soul felt like it was finally home. I'll go back there one day and write in that Book of Inspirations, Meditate with peace and light a candle to all that is.

Papercraft and Story Book Treasures

I have plunged feet first into the magic and art of words, words printed neatly onto soft pages and then lifted off again and shaped into quaint little pictures. Having discovered paper and book art, I have become completely obssessed and I want to learn how to transform the glorious invention of paper into eye-dazzling decoratives like these by Sue Blackwell.

I want to learn how to make paper from scratch, I want to learn how to sculpt it into 3D, craft it into colourful and texturised murials and I want to mould it into one of my favourite things on this planet - the book and then pluck it out again and craft it into still story-book life!


And so, I'm halfway there with my new paper-cutting board and knife, my scraps of handmade paper and an old book ready to make the characters and the props but I cannot start yet until I have my own creative space and until I get my own room or more to the point, my own house, my tools will have to stay nice and flat and untouched in a crafts box. For now, I can mess about with my Origami kit...

...the other thing that's rekindling my lust for words is a whole new pile of books I've treated myself to, some I should have read a long time ago! The End of Mr Y, The God of Small Things, The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time, The Help and my favourite so far: The Time Traveler's wife. I love new books and I love it even more when I enjoy each one, knowing that I can add the author to my list of 'ones to watch'...although these freshly printed darlings won't be test dummies for my book sculpture projects!

On the road again

What a long time it has been since I pressed my thoughts onto this page and how much has changed in my life. I scribbled away furiously for three weeks to complete all my uni assignments-never will I write a story again that I felt was rushed and was only for the purposes of pleasing a tutor who may or may not get on with my work. Study over, life to start.

I moved house again, for the seventh time in five years and yet I am still not settled. This is just another tedious stepping stone closer to a home (although I'm beginning to think that this sort of thing doesn't exist). This time I can't unpack properly and my possessions are missing some of their companions; things I've had to leave in the foster care of others; but we'll all reunite one day I hope.

So, I'm supposed to look for a job now and even though I have a new qualification, I still don't have enough experience - pah! I'd love to work for myself, always wanted to really. I want to do it right this time. I think it is my soul's purpose to explore my creativity and spirituality...I've been told I must share it with others. But of course, I cannot do this from the confinement of my current dwelling...why is it so hard to be noticed by the outside world?...well I'm not even requesting that, I only ask that the city I live in find me worthy enough to help me make a living.

Everything is so different and everything is so uncertain. Either way, I move forward and the days go by; the seasons change. I'll ask the wind if she'll deliver some answers to my questions while she casts the pollen across my way.